The difference between perspectives is called ‘the behaviour gap’. People see your behaviour, but what is hidden is your intention. This is where misunderstandings can occur. 

Think about a disagreement you have had with a significant other, when they did something that upset you. As you discuss their behaviour (what you have seen), you may find that their intention has not been to cause upset.

There are two ways to reduce the behaviour gap. The first is ‘self-disclosure’ – letting other people know what your intention was. The second is ‘feedback’ – letting other people know how their behaviour impacts on you. Sharing information closes the gap between behaviour and intention.

This explains why feedback is always valid. Our intention may be positive, but the impact of that behaviour on others may appear less positive. When people don’t understand us, and presume a less positive intention, this is not their problem – it’s ours.