The most important thing about non-verbal communication is whether what is being said (the words) agrees or does not agree with the tone in which it is said, and/or the body language that accompanies it. In terms of communication, this is referred to as ‘congruence’ and ‘incongruence’.

We can all remember occasions when someone has looked us in the eye and said “Yes,” but did so as they were shaking their head. Their subconscious was leaking messages and this led them to make physical signals that did not agree with their words.

Normally, the signals are more subtle – it could be a slight shake of the head, not holding eye contact or a hand in front of the mouth. Our subconscious picks up these minute incongruent messages and makes us feel uneasy. When we choose to ignore these signals – our ‘gut instincts’ – and find that we have been misled, we tell ourselves that we knew there was something wrong, but we couldn’t quite put our finger on it.

The incongruence between verbal and nonverbal messages has an impact on our ability to influence others, including patients, other healthcare professionals, business contacts and colleagues. Being aware of this can help to improve the quality of our communication.

For example, if we are giving advice to a patient about the best product for them or a suitable course of action, our message can be undermined if our body language suggests that we are not confident about what we are saying. And if we look like we lack confidence when speaking to, say, a nurse or doctor they might choose not to accept our advice or recommendation about a medicine or patient.

Body language is even important when we are talking on the telephone and the person we are speaking to can’t see us, as illustrated by the activity in the box below.

How we feel

The body language we adopt not only affects the way our message is received, but also the way in which we transmit the message. If we remove this important element of communication, it disrupts our whole mental approach to communication.

Why does this happen? We know about the impact of our thoughts on our physical appearance. When we feel happy, we look happy. We can look at a friend and know they are feeling anxious before they say anything. We also know that some symptoms can be present because of someone’s state of mind. We refer to this as a psychosomatic effect.

What people often fail to realise is that this is a two-way process; in fact, your physical state can affect your mental state. This is referred to as a somatopsychic effect.

Choose positivity

Think about our telephone example again. When we use positive and confident body language on the phone, our intonation and auditory presence are both more positive.

As a result, the mental image someone will have of us will be more positive, and this will usually affect the outcome of the conversation. Think about when you have been on the phone to a call centre and the impression you have of the person you are speaking to is someone slouching and uncaring. How does that make you feel towards them? It’s likely that their physical state is affecting their mental state, and the quality of their communication.

We can demonstrate this somatopsychic effect quite easily with the following.

Clench both of your fists as tightly as you can for a few seconds, then read on.

What has happened to your breathing?

I predict that you found you were holding your breath. This is because the physical experience of clenching your fists tells your subconscious that you are ready to fight, which in turn triggers the autonomic nervous system, which causes you to hold your breath, ready for flight or flight.

Clench your fists again, as tight as you can.

Now concentrate on breathing deeply, using stomach breathing rather than chest breathing.

This time I predict that you are now finding your fingers starting to loosen. You are consciously controlling your breathing, which sends messages to the subconscious telling you that there is nothing to fear, which then tells your fists to loosen.

Fake it to make it

How does this relate to the link between selfconfidence and body language? Without doubt, people who have high levels of self-confidence will demonstrate that in their body language. However, if we want to feel self-confident, we should adopt the body language of someone who is selfconfident. In other words: fake it until you make it.

When you exhibit these physical behaviours, you will start to change the mental behaviours and mental processes you adopt, which will then feed into your actions and underpin your physical behaviours. You develop a virtual cycle. You can then take this a step further: to fake it until you become it.

The Ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do. Neuroscience has confirmed this. When we adopt a behaviour and repeat this over a period of time, neuroplastic changes occur in our brains. The neural pathways for that process expand from country lanes to highways, making the process easier. Soon they become habits and become our normal behaviour.

Gaining the confidence of other people in us also breeds self-confidence in ourselves.